Shannan’s shenanigans: Whiskey wars

design: Ava Robinson
permission to print photos: Shannan Johnson

Canada and Denmark are at war. And it’s the most awesome thing that ever has happened in history. In case this war is unfamiliar, it’s actually called the Whiskey Wars.

Canada and Denmark both have a claim on an island called Han Island. And this island is most likely the absolute worst island that anyone has laid their eyes on. I mean, this island adds no meaning to the world, l would petition to remove it except there are two very valid reasons why I believe this almost useless island deserves to exist… at least for a little while.

First, let’s talk about why this island completely and catastrophically sucks. It’s a rock. It’s literally just a rock. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold anything against rocks especially when they are of the diamond variety, but this island is the most boring, useless rock to exist.

The rock is useless for many reasons, according to NPR, it is inhabitable with no fish or natural resources to be considered valuable, sits 600 miles south of the North pole, and is the size of only 4 to 5 football fields. The only reason there is a war caused by the rock is because it sits right at the line that separates each country’s territory.

The best part of the island is the fact that it’s the sole and entire reason why two credible countries are at war. The thing is, is that the two countries fighting over it are very peaceful and as I made very clear earlier, the rock is definitely not worth any war.

The rock would be a stupid reason to have an actual war, so they adopted very interesting and newly developed fighting tactics. These new fighting tactics involve two categorical weapons: flags and whiskey. Literally, that’s it that’s the whole war.

What happens is Denmark soldiers take over the island by putting their flag up and leaving a bottle of Denmark whiskey. Then, Canadian soldiers raid (meaning a casual stroll on to the island and leaving a flag and their whiskey.

This war clearly ended up being like an alcoholics dream war. If I’m being honest I fully support this war and I hope it continues for centuries to come. I hope no one ever loses because I honestly find nothing more hilarious than the fact that the most probable way someone will die from the Whiskey wars is from liver failure.

There is one other reason why I completely support the stupid continuation of this war. Technically, both countries have a claim on it, meaning Han island still doesn’t belong to one sole country. This means it doesn’t have laws until it is officially under a sole country’s jurisdiction. This means nothing is legal there… and nothing is illegal.

Since nothing is technically illegal on Hans Island, this step one of my plan on how to get away with murder. Now, just to clarify I have never and will never want to murder anyone, but I’m just saying if I meet a truly, truly evil person, I might consider taking a trip to Han, to simply do a little bit of sightseeing.

In the end, the useless Han Island is worth the fight, and all the Denmark and Canadian government funds wasted on Whiskey. What is there to say? It’s an entertaining and a great place to sightsee a grey rock.