Someone take off this jacket: Fixing climate change

design: Morgan Kubetin

Seriously, whoever gave the earth a winter jacket should be banned from all winter jacket privileges. I understand it must be cold in space. However, I’m not a human rocket ship astronomer (astronaut) so I’m not an expert about the temperatures or the possible lack thereof in the universe beyond.

But I swear, the planet does not need a winter jacket, because the earth is a cool kid that has an atmosphere thing for that and makes its own body heat.

Earth doesn’t need a winter jacket, earth needs to take said jacket off, so whoever sold it to earth, take it back. But now that earth has been made a rock burrito with a puffer jacket (commonly known as CO2), here are ways that we should take care of it.

As a first option, I suggest a plea to the flat earthers. So here it is: dear flat earthers, if the earth is flat, please consider this well thought out idea. Push the pollution out. The thing is, is that the pollution caused earth to make a puffer jacket and now ice is melting, so please put pollution in space… please.

OK great, now that the flat earthers work on that, here is the second option: we take the ice, and we take sorcerers. Then, we get sorcerers to do spells on the ice so it can never melt. Then, the sorcerers can make more ice. Boom! Earth cold again. Take that, puffer jacket!

Okay third idea: people, like myself, can move to outer space to a place that’s colder. I just need someone to let me know how I can catch a flight on the nearest departing rocket ship, that would be greatly appreciated.

In all honesty, I would go to outer space if I could, not sure if I want to stay there permanently though. Also, I haven’t heard of any rocket ships that would take any 12th grade young ladies yet, so option three seems to be out of this world (I’m a comedian, I know).

We like this planet, and it would just be better without the winter coats.

Seriously, no sorcerer or flat earther is going to save the earth. It just doesn’t work like that (and if it does… it was all my idea). There’s no rocket ship that can take us all far, far away. We know the cold hard truth (well actually the hot truth) is that earth has huge puffer jacket layers made out of extra carbon dioxide and other gases that have irregulated the atmosphere, and most people on earth played a role in adding to those extra puffer jackets.

Because everyone has played a role in adding those layers of puffer jackets or atmosphere, whatever one prefers to call it, we believe each person has a role in decreasing the layers of puff (or gas) that humans add each year. After all, the earth is our home, each human has a part to save it; no one is going to save the day alone and currently humans have nowhere else to go. So, our advice? We should all limit pollution one day at a time.